My room smells like vodka and shame
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
