So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
