The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
