hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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