just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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