That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
