I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
