Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
