shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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