Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
we made out on top of his cat.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
