things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
