Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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