i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize