Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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