I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
