here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
