I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
