she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize