i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
