so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Randomize
