Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
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