I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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