I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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