Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
