i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Randomize
