She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
