Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
