this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
