he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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