I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
