got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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