And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
