u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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