I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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