If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
