hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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