I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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