never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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