You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
why do cheetos always look like penises
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
