So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
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You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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