Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
