you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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