What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
