i just sent this text using only my big toe
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.