gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.