I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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