Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
