a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
