My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
