I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
