This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
