I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
