He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
