Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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