hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
