I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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