I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
