I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
