He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
