Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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