so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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